The “Holy Shit, We Nearly Missed Posting In June” Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Singing Echidna

…co-starring her second cousin, Clarence Philpot

 

How I Spent Christmas Eve, 2015
(A series of tweets)

Santa Claus just called and said he is gonna stop by for a quick visit. Cool!

Oh fucking swell! Santa just showed up and he’s shitfaced. I told him to just drink milk, not scotch! AIIIEEE!!! He’s pissing in the corner!

Okay, Santa has passed out and is sleeping it off on the Magic Bus. Head Elf Murray wants to know if I can fill in. Might as well. Ho ho ho!

The Girls and I are in the sleigh with about 900 elves. Grace has called Sally (Mrs. Claus), who is NOT amused with Drunk Santa.

Just FYI, Santa’s sleigh is bigger on the inside, too.

Time to go. Still an assload of toys to deliver. Sasha is amping up the hyperdrive on this thing. On Dasher, on…whoever. Let’s go!

To be fair to Santa, he’s only screwed up like this a few times over the millennia. Last time, his replacement was Winston Churchill. Still a couple of empty gin bottles rolling around here.

Kid wants parents that don’t fight all the time. Swapped out those two losers for a pair of androids. Will sell originals to an alien zoo.

Sorry, kid, but you can’t have a goddamn hippopotamus! Trust me, you’ll love the guinea pig I left you. #nohippos

Boy in African village wants more food and less war. Gave him a warehouse full of food and a half dozen Mark 9 SentryBots. Safest & best fed village in the world now.

Just gave a 10 year old girl a classic Fender Telecaster. She plugged it in and blew out the living room windows with her first chord. Was playing “Purple Haze” when we left.

This kid wants roleplaying games. Daisy and I hooked him the fuck up, baby. He’s got like, 3 pounds of dice to go with them. #geeksanta

This little girl wants power tools. Set her up better than the This Old House guys. Told her to build herself a fort.

Kid in France wants cheese. For fuck’s sake, kid, YOU LIVE IN FRANCE! Left him a box of crackers.

WOAH! This kid (age 12) is getting a Harley! It’s all disassembled, but still, Coolest. Present. Ever!

Silky was right behind Blitzen when he farted. Pretty sure her hair on that side will grow back out.

Pretty sure after tonight I’ll be crapping cookies and pissing milk.

14 year old boy just wanted “the best present ever”. Gave him two 17 year old girls. He may stop smiling before he turns 30.

Kid who was waiting up for me: “Are you Santa or just some old fart?

Me: “Yes!”

Two kids want a baby brother or sister. Zapped the parents with some sort of horniness inducing doodad Sasha has. (Note to self: Why is she carrying something like that around?)

Kid wants science toys. Sasha gave him a complete Lil’ Mad Scientist setup, complete with body parts to reanimate. Taught him the Mad Scientist Laugh, too. #madsciencerules

Poor kid only supposed to get one toy? Fuck that shit! Giving her the toys meant for a GOP Congressman’s kid. #redistributingwealth

Congressman’s kid got a lump of coal and pix of her dad accepting a bribe.

The magic dust that Santa uses to squeeze down chimneys? Turns out it makes you fart really loud. Sounds like Dueling Foghorns in here.

Wow! Some people do give their kids ponies for Xmas. How will I get them down a chimney? And who’s going to get that horse crap outta here?

Little girl in India asked for wings so she could fly. Couldn’t do that, so left her a jet pack.

Some asshole is trying to give his kid a bible for Xmas. Fuck that! I’ll give the kid the Harry Potter series AND a Dungeon Master’s Guide! And fuck it, I gave him a shitload of comics, too.

Over Russia now. Being targeted by MIGs. Sasha teleported the missiles to Putin’s summer home. Bet that won’t be on the news.

About to lose internet access here on the sleigh. Will report more later.

Dropped off last present. Everyone is cheering. Elves making plans to vacation in Australia. Silky poured me a beer.

Home now. Shaking off cookie crumbs and pine needles. Possibly a few reindeer turds, too.

I will note here that when Mrs. Claus came to pick up the much hungover Santa, she was not at all a happy woman #nomerryxmasforsanta

Time for sleep. Girls are already out like lights. Merry Christmas!

 

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A Mink Wearing Pink Climbed Into A Sink To Have A Think

…he was on the brink and boy, did he stink

 

The Doclopedia #902

Useful Holiday Spells: Create Fruitcake Golem

If you want a helpful, yet mindless, servant for the holidays, try this spell. You’ll need about two dozen good sided fruitcakes, which you will cut up, then reassemble into a humanoid shape. Once the spell it cast, the golem (who will only be 3 feet tall or so) will be able to perform simple tasks for you, the creator. If you give it too complex a command, it will just stand there.

Being made of fruitcake, this golem will last for several years unless it goes out in the rain or catches on fire. We do not recommend building a very large fruitcake golem, since they can be clumsy and also sometimes go crazy and try to kill you.

The Doclopedia #903

Useful Holiday Spells: Alter Self To Santa

This is a variation on the popular Polymorph spell, but it only lets you make yourself look like Santa Claus or Mrs. Santa Claus. For every point of Mana you put into it, the spell will last 30 minutes longer than the basic 30 minutes. During this time, you look just like that chubby & jolly old elf in the red suit that all children love, or his equally jolly wife, if you are female. The best part of this spell is that you can eat the hell out of cookies & milk and never get full or gain a pound as long as the spell is in effect.

The Rare And Beautiful And Jolly Scampering Santa Squirrels Of Potawango Island

…they leave gifts for other animals

The Doclopedia #898

Useful Holiday Spells: Wrap Present

If you have lots of presents that need wrapping, but you hate or suck at wrapping presents, this is the spell for you. For every point of Mana you put into it, you can wrap up to one cubic foot of present. Just place the wrapping paper, ribbons, present and other stuff on a table and cast the spell. In moments, you’ll have a perfectly wrapped present. Best of all, the spell works on any shape of container, making them all look really nice.

The Doclopedia #899

Useful Holiday Spells: Clean The Damned House

Hands down, this is the most popular spell on this list. It’s Christmas Eve and you’s got a buttload of relatives and friends coming over in just a few hours, yet your house looks like crap. Well then, cast this spell and your cleaning products will be grabbed up by mystic forces and put to work cleaning! In a matter of less than an hour, your home will look like a whole squad of cleaning ladies spent the day on it. For 5 extra Mana points, the spell will also wash & groom pets, kids and spouses.

The Doclopedia #900

Useful Holiday Spells: Water To Eggnog

This is the second most popular spell on this list and it’s actually #1 with parents of small children and teenagers. For every point of Mana you put into it, you can convert a quart of water into a quart of eggnog complete with your choice of booze added. For an extra point of Mana per quart, you can up the percentage of booze by 25%.

The Doclopedia #901

Useful Holiday Spells: Super Last Minute Shopper

90% of the people who use this spell are men and they love it. For a mere three points of Mana, you get one hour of shopping at superspeed. Add one point and you can turn incorporeal when you need to cut through crowds. Add three more points and you will be sure to find the perfect presents for the people on your list. Use the Wrap Present spell when you are done and you can have all this Christmas crap over and done with in time for a couple of beers before heading home.

I Did My Xmas Shopping In Knockturn Alley

…they had great sales

MERRY HAPPY!!! HAPPY MERRY!!!

Ok, so last night was the Annual Family Xmas Get Together And Gift Exchange. Lots of folks there…my mom, sis and brother in law, brother and sis in law, both my nephews (Zach & Chris), my niece Molly and her husband and a bunch of other people. There was, as is the Cross family tradition, enough food to feed a small African nation for a year. Everyone ate until we were very near critical mass.

There was beer and other libations, too, and I partook lustily of the Samuel Adams Lager. How nice it is to have a teetotaler for a wife:)

At the gift exchange, I gave my nephew Chris a $25.00 (the price limit for gifts this year) gift card for Best Buy. Molly (whose house this shindig was held at) gave me three bandanas, a box of chocolates and a box of sausages/crackers/mustards. Yum Yum!

All in all, a good time was had. Then Grace and I came home and slept long and late (for us). Today will be all about watching movies and the U.S. vs Norway curling match from Sunday.

More blogging, including a Violet entry, soon.

The 17 Ways To Make Cosmic Cookies

…and Santa thought he was flying before he ate ’em

Ho ho fucking ho! Once again, an Xmas weekend is upon us. Here, for no other reason than to fill up a blog entry and maybe entertain you, is Uncle Doc’s schedule.

Friday Night: Cook dinner for My Sweet Little Albino Grey Squirrel Of Love…have weekly financial meeting with aforementioned sweetheart…relax…play with The Girls…sleep

Saturday: Brekky…dog park adventure…buy My Sweet Little Blueberry Muffin With Butter And A Hot Mug Of Cocoa With Marshmallows Of Cuteness (hmmm…that might be the longest one ever) a secret Xmas Gift (despite is both saying “no gifts this year”) (because, ya know, that’s the kinda guy I am)…housecleaning for Game Day on Sunday…watch whatever flicks we get from Netflix…dinner in some form…goof off…sleep

Sunday: Brekky out, not in…tidy house up…Game Day…rest…dinner (I’m thinking something of a pork nature)…goof off…sleep

Monday (Xmas Eve): work until 1 or 2 (for both of us)…wash dogs in preperation for the Big Familly Xmas Eve Gathering…give Grace her present…get all gussied up for aforementioned BFXEG…drive up to Marysville and attend BFXEG at my niece Molly’s house…come home (with Grace driving due to my inevitable Guinness intake)…sleep

Tuesday (Xmas): Sleep in late…goof off…eat…sleep

And there ya have it.

Merry/Happy/Joyous/Whatever (insert your chosen holiday here)!

Dark Green Happy Soup

…just like our mom unit used to make

Ho ho bloody ho! Here’s that 12 Days of Xmas meme.

On the twelfth day of Christmas, doccross sent to me…

Twelve pigs drumming
Eleven rpgs writing
Ten chiles a-gardening
Nine animals cooking
Eight zoos a-reading
Seven blues a-travelling
Six parrots a-hiking
Five ani-i-i-imated cartoons
Four wild animals
Three chicken tractors
Two roleplaying games
…and a toon in a nanotechnology.

Get your own Twelve Days:

Toons with nanotechnology? No good can come of that!

And for those who didn’t see it a couple of years ago, here is a doggy take on the 12 Days thing.

The Twelve Dog Days Of Christmas

Words by Roscoe T. Cross (1990-2005)

“On the first day of Christmas, my humans gave to me…a tree on which I could pee!”

“On the second day of Christmas, my humans gave to me…two pounds of meat and a tree on which I could pee!”

“On the third day of Christmas, my humans gave to me…three cats to woof at, two pounds of meat and a tree on which I could pee!”

“On the fourth day of Christmas, my humans gave to me…four yummy bratwursts, three cats to woof at, two pounds of meat and a tree on which I could pee!”

“On the fifth day of Christmas, my humans gave to me…five butts to sniff, four yummy bratwursts, three cats to woof at, two pounds of meat and a tree on which I could pee!”

“On the sixth day of Christmas, my humans gave to me…six beds to sleep on, five butts to sniff, four yummy bratwursts, three cats to woof at, two pounds of meat and a tree on which I could pee!”

“On the seventh day of Christmas, my humans gave to me…seven bowls of dog rice, six beds to sleep on, five butts to sniff, four yummy bratwursts, three cats to woof at, two pounds of meat and a tree on which I could pee!”

“On the eighth day of Christmas, my humans gave to me…eight bitches in heat, seven bowls of dog rice, six beds to sleep on, five butts to sniff, four yummy bratwursts, three cats to woof at, two pounds of meat and a tree on which I could pee!”

“On the ninth day of Christmas, my humans gave to me…nine cars to ride in, eight bitches in heat, seven bowls of dog rice, six beds to sleep on, five butts to sniff, four yummy bratwursts, three cats to woof at, two pounds of meat and a tree on which I could pee!”

“On the tenth day of Christmas, my humans gave to me…ten pounds of hot dogs, nine cars to ride in, eight bitches in heat, seven bowls of dog rice, six beds to sleep on, five butts to sniff, four yummy bratwursts, three cats to woof at, two pounds of meat and a tree on which I could pee!”

“On the eleventh day of Christmas, my humans gave to me…eleven kids to pet me, ten pounds of hot dogs, nine cars to ride in, eight bitches in heat, seven bowls of dog rice, six beds to sleep on, five butts to sniff, four yummy bratwursts, three cats to woof at, two pounds of meat and a tree on which I could pee!”

“On the twelfth day of Christmas, my humans gave to me…twelve bellyrubs, eleven kids to pet me, ten pounds of hot dogs, nine cars to ride in, eight bitches in heat, seven bowls of dog rice, six beds to sleep on, five butts to sniff, four yummy bratwursts, three cats to woof at, two pounds of meat and a tree on which I could pee!”