Dogs Riding Motorcycles, Cats Driving Sports Cars, Mice In Pickup Trucks




CritterCon 12

Trip Day Three: In Which Our Merry Band Of Adventurers Deal With Assorted Invasions And A Flea Market Of Unusual Size.

For our third day, we woke up in Pagosa Springs, Colorado, several hundred miles east of where we went to bed in Kanab. Apparently, somebody who was not me told Sweetie to drive through the night to get there.

After out usual hearty breakfast, which for me was four tamales with extra gravy, we once again sallied forth into the cab of the bus, which was now a high tech government vehicle designed to repel and/or destroy the many extra-dimensional invaders that wanted to conquer Earth.

Under the leadership of General Sasha, we went to our positions. Doctor Misty was our Science Officer, Colonel Luke was our Engineer, Captain Grandpa was our Driver and those two scrappy Sergeants, Brownie & Cupcake, were our Gunners. As always, a place was reserved for President Grandma.

Our first invasion was the living dead, but not just dead humans. Many other species were looking to eat living flesh and that kept everyone busy. How so many Romero zombies got to southern Colorado was never explained, but by the time we hit our first stop at Fort Garland, we had shot, burned, blew up, run over and lasered 3,741 of the flesh eating sons of bitches. President Grandma gave us all medals and the thanks of a grateful nation.

Our stop in Fort Garland was to see “The Rusty Zoo”, or as Luke nicknamed it, “Tetanusville”. The place is another collection of things, this time animals, that some dude with lots of time on his hands made with a welding torch and a shitload of scrap metal. We’ve been to several of these places, some better than others.

The Rusty Zoo is solidly in the middle of that pack. It’s a pretty big place, about 30 acres, with actual paddocks and cages that I suspect are there to keep visitors from fucking themselves up on rusted metal. The actual sculptures range from okay to pretty darned good. This probably reflects the 45 years that the owner, Bob Higgins, spent making these things and learning his craft.

We were there about an hour and the place had a couple hundred visitors besides us. It was worth the $4.00 per adult and $2.00 per kid we paid. If you have deduced that we bought t-shirts and stuff, congratulations, Poirot.

Once we were back on the bus, we fortified ourselves with milkshakes and got back to offing invaders. This time out, it was Martians straight out of Mars Attacks! This was a tougher fight, but for 90 minutes we traded punches with those bulging headed fuckers. By the time President Grandma told us it was time for another excursion, we had at least chased the Martians off our planet. Ack Ack Ack to you, too, assholes!

The reason for out stop in Avondale, Colorado, was that there had been a huge flea market there the day before. Like, 3,000 spaces huge. Sadly, it was only held once a year, but that doesn’t mean much when you have a time machine. A few coordinates given to the bus and a few seconds later, we were in the parking lot just after opening.

Being smart flea market goers, we deployed a dozen cloaked SmartDrones to find the most likely spots for us to find intersting stuff. We also scouted out food trucks and booths, because lunch time was coming up fast.

We roamed around for over three hours and bought quite a few things, many of which Jeeves will no doubt turn his nose up at and eventually transfer to some side room.

I wish I could tell you about the next thrilling 4.5 hours, but the fact is that after wandering around in the heat, we all went in to nap mode about the time we returned to today. Most of us slept right through to Dodge City, Kansas, our stop for tonight.

Now, having had dinner and watched a Batman movie from Earth 4-A, we are all pretty much ready for more sleep. Tomorrow, we drive straight through (minus any interesting stops) from Dodge City to about 30 miles outside Critter City, at JimBob’s RV Park. About a 10 hour drive, all told.

More blogstuff tomorrow!

Destination Sign When We Started: Over There
Destination Sign When We Stopped: The 3 Acre Wood

QM Radio Station: 24 Hour Rock Opera

The Rare And Beautiful Dripping Yellow Pine Trees Of Potawango Island

…they drip flavored water


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The Doclopedia #1,345

The Numbers: 200

There were 200 corpses reanimated when the Russian Government set off a new form of EMP device in 1995. The test took place in Siberia and nobody much gave a thought about that old abandoned cemetery in the woods. The EMP was a failure for what it was intended to do, but it caused the corpses, most buried between 1940 and 1970, to partly regenerate and then reanimate.

For whatever reason, the running dead, who were very strong and very fast, started heading northwest. They completely destroyed 3 villages, killing and eating most of the inhabitants. We should note that nobody killed by these “zombies” ever rose up as undead.

By the time the 200 reached a major town, the army was waiting for them. Sadly, it was not nearly enough army and the zombies only lost 11 of their group while the soldiers lost 39. The town, though mostly evacuated, lost 476 people. The zombies began to spread out in groups of 20-30.

It took another 3 months to kill the rest of the zombies, including the 5 who made it all the way to Moscow and killed 298 people and caused many more to die in the ensuing panic. Russia was cut off from the rest of the world by both United Nations decree and the collapse of the government. It stayed cut off for two years, aside from humanitarian aid. To this day, the border with China is closed and is the most heavily guarded border on earth.

The EMP device that caused all this was lost and has not yet been found, despite huge rewards offered by many governments and the UN.

Nixed Mutts

…I know, BAD Doc


The Doclopedia #989

Poultry That Saved The Day: The Duck Who Stopped The Zombies Genre: Humor, Horror

Dr. Taringani had been hiding in the Safe Room for two days, ever since that Rhesus monkey had come back to “life” on the operating table and attacked Gary and Francine, then crashed through glass of the observation window into 30 students. The virus had mutated inside the monkey and was now killing humans, apes and monkeys at an alarming rate. A cut, a bite, an inhalation at close range…that was all it took. According to the radio, which they often left on in the lab, the zombie virus had spread a thousand miles outward from Wisconsin in a mere 48 hours.

Of course, after he had made his initial call to the CDC, the battery on his phone went dead, so he had been cut off from communicating with the rest of the world. The zombies had only hung around outside the thick glass walls of the Safe Room for about half a day before running off. Yes, these weren’t slow shambling zombies, they were fast and strong and still intelligent enough to be cunning.

While he had been trapped, Dr. Taringani had figured out an airborne anti-virus that would destroy the zombie virus. Now, free from the Safe Room, he got to work on it. It didn’t take that lone to make, since they had already created an anti-virus to what they had thought was just a version of a common flu virus. Getting it airborne was pretty easy affair, requiring only a very high pressure tank, which he had grabbed from the physics lab, and a tank full of the anti-virus. The anti-virus tank had a safety setup on it that, after filling, required him to enter a 6 digit code, so he chose his birthdate, 3-7-1970. Figuring that the tank would release a cloud of several hundred yards volume and noting that there was a stiff breeze blowing south, he figured that the anti-virus should kill all the virus in at least a few hundred square miles. Satisfied that he had done his best, he began towing the very heavy tanks out of the building and into the quad.

It took him a while to reach the quad, a place he had always liked. He took a moment to check for zombies (which he had been doing every ten seconds or so anyway), catch his breath and admire the fact that the ducks, geese and swans were swimming in the pond as though nothing was wrong. Actually, for them, nothing was wrong. The virus only affected humans, apes & monkeys.

He had just typed in the first three digits of the code when he heard the waterfowl making excited noises. He turned just in time to see a hulking zombie, probably a football player, leaping towards him.

The doctor and the zombie went down onto the grass and rolled around. By the time Taringani could break free, he had been scratched several times. The zombie was up fast and the doctor barely dodged him. Seeing a rock next to the pond, he grabbed it and, as the zombie grabbed and bit him, he bashed in the side of it’s head. Sure enough, disrupt the brain with enough trauma and the zombie stopped functioning.

The bite wound burned like fire and his vision was beginning to blur as Dr. Taringani staggered back to the tanks. By the time he reached them, death was near. He fell to his knees next to the tanks and had just enough strength and life left to enter two more digits before he died, his index finger resting lightly on the final zero. In less that thirty minutes, he would rise from the dead without having released the anti-virus.

Fortunately, a large male duck came over to check things out. He looked around at things, hoping the human had brought some bread to feed the pond dwellers with. Seeing no bread, he was about to leave when he noticed the white necrotic tissue on the humans otherwise very dark brown index finger. Thinking this might be a worm or other food source, the duck gave it a good hard peck. The final digit was entered and the safety device let out the 10 second warning, which caused the duck to fly off into the safety of the pond.

The anti-virus was released just as the wind picked up. It spread across an area of over 2,000 square miles and killed an estimated 7,000 zombies. Even better, the anti-virus was now being carried by birds and humans, so it spread even wider over the next few days. Once the CDC reached the university lab, they found the formula and released hundreds of anti-virus clouds worldwide. The zombie apocalypse had been averted!

The duck lived a good long life and fathered many babies. Nobody ever knew that it was he who had saved the human race.

How To Conquer The World With Simple Household Items

…third edition, revised and expanded


WOOHOO! FOUR (4) Doclopedia entries today! Can I get an “Amen!”?


The Doclopedia #968

Dinner Menu: Robot World        Genre: Robots, Science Fiction, Humor

Chateau de Chevron 40 weight oil…Zinc shavings served on silicon slices…Gold, Silver & Platinum leaf Salad dressed with a light mineral oil…Filet of Steel, thinly sliced and coated with a crust of various trace minerals…Assorted plastics simmered in graphite sauce…Crunchy Glass Cookies




The Doclopedia #969

Dinner Menu: Dragon World        Genre: Fantasy, Humor

Fresh mountain spring water…Chewy Halfling Appetizer…Fire Roasted Dwarf…Mixed Grill of Humans & Elves…Gnome Sushi…Assorted Henchmen in a light Sweat & Blood Glaze




The Doclopedia #970

Dinner Menu: Zombie World        Genre: Horror, Humor

Brain Juice…Hair, Skin And Skullbone…Braaaaiiiins!…More Braaaaiiins!…Assorted bits of flesh




The Doclopedia #971

Dinner Menu: Dog World        Genre: Dogs, Alternate Worlds, Humor

Toilet Bowl Water…Appetizer of Shoes, Ladies Undies and Children’s Toys…Used Facial Tissue Salad…Road Kill Tartare…Mixed Garbage Surprise…Cat Poop Nuggets…Grass…More Garbage

Behold! Groob, The Terror From The Recycle Bin!

…not a real monster from an old Marvel comic


NOTE: For ease of transferring these posts over to my website, I’m going to start including genre tags.


The Doclopedia #958

Alt. Zombies: Giant Zombies         Genre: Horror, Fantasy

It was good that Wizard Nooba Bovarn got out of the Seven Kingdoms as fast as she could after the accident, because if she had stayed, she would have been permanently polymorphed into a dungworm. As it is, she just has to avoid all of the bounty hunters looking to bring her in alive for that two wagon loads of gold that is offered for her capture.

Nooba was always a somewhat dim sort for a Wizard, but really, dumping 200 gallons of a flawed Potion of Gigantism into Skwix Creek, which runs into the Swamp of the Undead? Stupid doesn’t cover that sort of error.

So yes, when 50 huge rotting zombies, each at least 30 feet tall, came out of the swamp searching for humanoid flesh, Nooba started packing her Bags of Fantastic Capacity. By the time they started ravaging the kingdoms, she was probably heading over the Lacewood Mountains on the express coach to Golvania or Atar Dalse. If she has any brains at all, she’ll keep going until she gets to Moonport, then take a fast ship to some far off land.

Fortunately, the Potion of Gigantism wore off after about three days and the zombies were quickly dispatched. Damage to property was enormous and there were at least 340 deaths. Thank the Goddess that it was easy to see and smell a 30 foot tall zombie coming or there might have been thousands of deaths.

Ah, I see that 19 more bounty hunters have signed on, bringing the total to 67. I am hopeful they will bring that idiot Nooba back to face justice soon.




The Doclopedia #959

Alt. Zombies: Chimera Zombies         Genre: Horror, Pulp

Good evening Mr. & Mrs. America and all the ships at sea…Dateline New York City: The evil Doctor Bogenbroom has unleashed an army of undead horrors upon the city! These foul creatures are a horrid mixture of human and animal. They are fast moving and out for the brains of any living human they can catch. Those not killed, but merely bitten, soon die and then change into some chimerical horror. Fortunately for us all, Doc Tempest and his associates, backed up by the military and the New York Police Department, are destroying these hellish creatures even as they search for Bogenbroom’s secret lab. This reporter personally witnessed Doc and David Smalley-Smoot shooting nearly a dozen zombies in the head, the only known way to instantly kill them. Thank God for these great heroes!”

The Journal Of The American Society Of Two Fisted Heroes

…however, it does include several one fisted heroes and one three fisted hero


The Doclopedia #956

Alt. Zombies: Cheese Zombies

It all started when the Bigg Cheese Company, largest cheese maker in the world, began using milk from genetically modified cows who were fed genetically modified grains. The thing that triggered the Cheese Zombie bacteria was the addition of a new chemical preservative to their grated Parmesan cheese and to their cheddar cheese mix in their macaroni & cheese dinners. After eating either of these, the bacteria started changing both the cheese and the human who ate it. In about 12 hours, people started dying and then rising up as Cheese Zombies.

At first, Cheese Zombies are mostly human, but besides eating the flesh of the living, they also seek out milk to drink, which increases the amount of living cheese that replaces their rotting flesh. They can also eat cheese to accomplish this, and many of the first Cheese Zombies took off for grocery stores and cheese shops as soon as they rose up.

Wisconsin and California produced the most Cheese Zombies, but the Canadian love for poutine caused many to thrive in that country. You don’t even want to know how bad it was in France & Italy.

Cheese Zombies ravaged the planet until they were finally destroyed by military forces, civilians with homemade flamethrowers, weather conditions and about 80 zillion rats, mice & other rodents.




The Doclopedia #957

Alt. Zombies: Worm Zombies

So everything was going great on Mars before they built that dome over the Carter Caves. It was going to be a tourist attraction for the 3 million citizens of Mars and the expected million more tourists from Earth and other colonies. There would be a theme park, resorts, lakes and, of course, the 1.5 miles of caves. It would be a goldmine!

Now, to be fair, no investigation in the 75 year history of the caves had ever detected life. A bit of water frozen up in the soil, yes, but no life.

Turns out, the worms were living a very slow existence about two feet deeper down than scientists had ever drilled. They were just burrowing through a wet layer of soil eating bacteria, tiny single celled creatures and, on occasion, each other. Everything was going great until humans started warming Mars up.

By the time construction on the Carter Cave Dome started, the Martian surface was, on average, a balmy 42 degrees most of the year and the oxygen content was about that of the peak of Mount Everest on Earth. In this new warmer, more oxygenated soil, the worms grew from an inch long to a whopping four inches and ventured nearer the surface in search of food. When the dome was finished, it was pressurized to an Earth normal atmosphere mix and warmed to 75 degrees. Down in the soil beneath the caves, the worms had a population explosion and grew to a foot long. It probably took them less than a month to eat all of their natural foods, at which point they went looking for other things to eat. Things like human feces and garbage.

Now, although Martian cities and towns have state of the art recycling of all waste products, construction sites in new domes still use garbage bins and porta potties. The Martian worms found their way into these and had a feeding frenzy. They also absorbed human DNA and the DNA from millions of different bacteria. This combined with their own DNA and new generations of mutant worms were born. By the time they infested the first humans, they were quite unlike their original Martian ancestors.

Anyway, you know the rest: 3,000 construction workers and others in the dome were turned into half human/half worm colony zombies. They escaped the dome and were heading to Marsopolis when the government hit them with a Heat Bomb that killed everything in a 30 mile radius and destroyed the dome.

After that incident, you can bet they did a hell of a lot more checking out of any place they consider building a dome.

Janie Got A Gnu

…song title if Aerosmith were dyslexic

The Doclopedia #904

Great Presents/Terrible Presents: …On A Zombie Apocalypse World

Great Present: A solar rechargeable pulse laser rifle with head targeting technology

Terrible Present: Eau De Brains perfume

The Doclopedia #905

Great Presents/Terrible Presents: …On A Dog World

Great Present: BACON! Pretty much anything made out of or with BACON!

Terrible Present: A gift card for a free spaying or neutering

The Doclopedia #906

Great Presents/Terrible Presents: …On A Fantasy World

Great Present: The Greatsword of Ultimate Dragon Slaying

Terrible Present: The Greatsword of Toenail Trimming

The Doclopedia #907

Great Presents/Terrible Presents: …On A Cat World

Great Present: Any present the cat tells you they want

Terrible Present: Any other type of present

Zany Wharf Rats

…not those other kind

Doc’s Day

Hoo Boy, my little friends, today was a busy action filled fun ride. First, it was all about Grace & Doc finishing the garage cleaning I started yesterday. Hard work, but now you could actually park a car in it.

After the cleaning of the garage, it was shower time for me, then off to a rousing game of zombie bashing courtesy of the Cannibal Pygmy gaming group (as opposed to the group I GM, the Aslin Way Adventurers). We wasted zombies (and outlaw bikers) real good, ate excellent chow and had many laughs. Next time we play, we’ll be doing a pirate adventure. Yarr!

Once I got home, there was a bit of gardening, a touch of garage straightening up, then dinner. Now, I’m blogging and vegging.

More bloggage soon.